The World's Best Break-Up Songs, pt 1.

As two of the most cynical people to ever survive southeastern Minnesota/theater camp/driver’s training class, we have long been compiling playlist after playlist of songs about failed relationships. (Fact: Caitlyn’s personal motto is “Every single relationship ends. Ever. So whatever you do, it doesn’t matter. You were doomed from the start.” Paula, on the other hand, simply doesn’t believe the male genders exists and are actually a myth, much like unicorns and El Chupacabra. Therefore, it’s impossible to ever get hurt, because one can’t be broken-hearted by a figment of rumors and urban legends.) So it’s only logical that we spend our spare time compiling the best break-up songs ever. Over the next week or so, we’ll be posting our list up here on Paula’s blog. (And we’re going to attempt, someday, to actually put MP3’s of the songs up with them. Yessss.)

So go dig out your pint of Ben and Jerry’s, crawl under the covers, and blast these songs from your itunes. You’ll feel better after, we swear.

1) I Can’t Make You Love Me (Cover)—Denison Witmer
C-It’s the epitome of pain, because when you break up, you just want to sit in a dark room and listen to painnn. It’s so excessive—so overdone, so tortured, so depressing, and so perfect. It reminds me of this afternoon 2 weeks after a break-up when I had taken a nap because I was so depressed and I woke up and could just feeeeeeel the dispair in the room. It’s right in that point when you’re clinging to depression, because that’s all you have left of a relationship. At this point, you SHOULD be getting over him, but you can’t because you’re too focused on how sad you feel. THAT is what this song is.

P—YES. This song is so emo, it hurts. Also, Caitlyn, that leads to an interesting question. Do we listen to break-up songs to help us get over the jerk, or do we listen to them to cling to the pain? Hmmm…

2) Dog Problems—The Format
P—Best break-up line ever—“B is for believing you’d always be here for me/E is for everything, even when we’d see it though/C, C is for seeing through you, you are a fake which brings me to A, because, because you always run awayyyyy”. It really helps if you yell that as loudly and angsty as possible. Plus, Nate Ruess wrote the entire album of “Dog Problems” to get over his girlfriend. So there is literally not a better soundtrack to your own personal break-up. Ever. \

C—Plus, who doesn’t want a break-up song that has a full brass band behind it?

3) That’s It, I Quit, I’m Moving On—Adele
C—It’s so easy. And vindicating. It’s exactly what you want the guy to see in you, whether or not it’s true. Even if you’re spending your days in your room crying on the floor, all you want him to feel emanating from you is “That’s it. I quit. I’m moving on.” So you wear your best clothes, do your hair perfectly, and hit on all his friends. =)

P—Exactly. I think this song is for the moment when you realize the guy you’re with actually really, really sucks. And you have no choice but to break it off, regret that you wasted three months of your life on him, and delete the number from your phone.

4) Testament to Youth In Verse—New Pornographers
P—For some reason, this was THE SONG of my last break-up, even though it has more to do with the radio than with relationships. Maybe it was the kick-arse drums, the “No, No, No, No, No” chorus, or the brilliant line “When You Play like a fool/then like a fool you get played with” (which, I’ll admit, was my Facebook status for an embarrassingly long time.) Seriously. Turn on this song, walk to the place that you KNOW you will see him at, and I promise that you will feel like a vindictive character from a lame romantic comedy.

C—“Testament”, I feel, is kind of like your sassy best friend who just won't take your moping anymore. Its like "Seriously? This guy was a douche and you fell for it. So feel like a fool, accept it, and get over it."

(The World's Best Break-Up Songs will continue to be posted sporadically throughout the next week)